And it's done

I've been very depressed lately. And as of yesterday, almost everything fell apart in front of me. Josh and I broke up...more like he with me. He didn't feel enough for me the way I felt for him. And just wanted to be friends...everytime I think of it even my heart physically aches. I can literally feel my chest caving and aching and just constant pain because I feel empty and worthless. Not just because Josh is everything I wanted and dreamed and ended up not connecting with him. But because I have nothing; I don't have a strong tie to my family, no friends, no hobbies, no one for me to care for...I am ugly and untalented. I'm judgemental and hypocritical. I cant afford the things I want, like an education and to travel, I can't find work, I cant do anything and I won't be able to for a very very long time.
I've thought about ending it, just going on since there isn't anything left for me, and the pro's are starting to outweigh the con's. Why are we here? Why am I here? All I wanted to do in life was be remembered and to impact someone else for the better. And I can't think of one person...

BREAKING DAWN

Less than 21hours will the last book in the twilight series be in my hands, I'm sweating with anticipation...or maybe its just how hot my room is. Just so everyone is clear, I won't talk to anyone starting when i get the book to when I finish the book, I will not eat without it, sleeping is forbidden, toilet will be with book in hands, I will be completely cut off from everything until I finish all 769 pages.

UU Church shooting

In Knoxville, TN a man shot up a Unitarian church...and his reason? Because he was unemployed and didn't like their liberal views. As a Unitarian, hearing the attrocity that happened turned my to tears. It's horrible that people who are fighting for equality in all and the common good and ethics are the targets for such hate. Living in North Carolina and in the bible belt had made me realize that the people here only care about the old hateful ways; blacks should be slaves, gays go to hell, women are evil and they are lesser than men. If Jesus wanted so much hate in the workld then he wouldn't have got up on the cross and died for such horrible people. I guess its a misunderstanding to the fullest. Jesus didn't reject anyone, he didn't HATE anyone, didn't want anyone of his brothers and sisters dead. Yet people like this man think they are in the right.
Now I don't wish pain on anyone but that man should suffer for what he's done. Here are some of the sites I visited and feel you should go check out as well:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=GPY2iAE1sho <-- sxephil is one of my favs
http://www.abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/national_world&id=6291206
http://www.govcentral.com/news/2261-man-shoots-church-goers-over-liberal-views-
http://www.uua.org/news/newssubmissions/117156.shtml

Uggh!

I am sick. Oh so sick, I feel like shit right now. My sinuses (which are deformed, need reconstructive surgery soon) keep draining which effects my throat making it all hoarse and rough, and pollutes my poor ol' tummy. I keep tossing up NOTHING because I cant keep anything down. It's been going on since Wednesday. I think it might have came from someone at Warped tour. A bizzilion people piled on top of you, sweating into your pours and getting down right dirty with you. Yeah...more than likely that.
Mom went to Detroit this weekend (the brothers and I begged not to go so we were able to stay, hells yes) She is sposta be back by now but isn't (gets lost easily.) So I hung out with Rue all weekend. He's such a hottie, haha! We didn't do much. I just got more sick than I was before (white people like it colder in their houses than black people do, just FYI)
I got my nose pierced with my BFF Aly on Friday! Haha, she bled all over! It was crazy how anemic she was. Not funny but is...I still haven't told mom yet. Ha, she just pulled in. Well, time to face the music. TTYL

Just an update

So things have been crazy. I'll go by subject matter because my mind can be a bit everywhere at times.

Love life: Rue got his heart monitor last Thursday from the cardiologist and had to have it on for 72hrs (I think). It frustrated him because of him not being able to take a shower and itching constantly. The results came back today and he doesn't have any electrical problems or anything, which is awesome. I was really worried, now all we have to do is find out if it's Hypoglycemia or stress. Both are way better than if it was JUST his heart fucking up.
We are trying...TRYING to not get overtly sexual (it can confuse emotions and create problems, we both know this from past relationships) I'm glad that we established this rule in the beginning of it all because then I know it wasn't only about sex if by chance something goes wrong. But it has become increasingly difficult. I mean he's DAMN hot for one thing and I am falling for him...I know it is early in the relationship to be saying that but in all honesty it's what I feel and I'm not ashamed to fall so easily for such a perfect person (at least for me). Anyway...so I'm having trouble being a 'good-girl' when I want to be just oh sooo bad!
We were talking and we're going to save up, once I get a job, and move to Boone together. I'll go to App State for my gen-eds and stuff once I pay off Columbia(that will come up later). We've been looking at places and it can work so I'm excited.

Family pt1:Mom and the boys have been getting on my last nerves. The boys don't do shit for one, and I get blamed for the house looking like hell ran through it and left. And mom has been flipping and floppin all over the place. I guess menopause is the cause but seriously. I'll come home and Jordan will have her angry over something retarded like a cup left on the banister and then she'll flip out on ME! Yeah, and I'm like "uhh dude you need to calm down before you give yourself hypertension" haha.
But here was the kicker, I had told her a few weeks ago that Rue had to move back with his bro, pops, and cus and its kinda crowded. Misunderstanding she said that he can stay over here some nights since its close to his job and it wont be as crowded and the situation will be less crazy. I explained to her that its not as crazy as she was taking it and she blanked on me! (to "Blank on" someone is to flip out, for all you non-hip folk). She says that she thought about it and thinks its disrespectful for us to be ASLEEP in the same house as our parents. She wont let me stay with him now...which super sucks because he's at work in the day and lives like an hour away from me so drives everywhere and only can stay with me for a few hours because he has to go home ans sleep, and weekends suck because we are used to staying with one another 24/7. I'm having withdrawals and mom isn't helping so Ive decided to move out ASAP.

Family pt2:Dad is in town for the weekend. He met Rue so that was cool. We (dad, Aaron[bro], and I) and walked around a bit. It was horrible, drunk people listening to the bad music being played by this suckass old wannabe 80s hair metal band at some radio event. Nothing but skinny blond bimbo bitches walking around. I hate them...they all looked the same.
There is a wedding Im going to on Saturday (Dad's cousin) who I don't even know but apparently should meet because he too lives in Charlotte. I'd be hella pissed if it was my wedding. I only want a limited number of people there.

College/money:Sooo Ive been working hard on the whole College-Nila-Being-Dead-Broke ordeal and came up with a plan. After doing some research, what App State is getting its accreditation from and Columbia, then seeing if the credits would transfer, how much it'd all be, etc. etc...and finding out that I cant get my transcripts from Colum until I pay the full $10k, and finding out I cant go to App unless I have said transcripts...I've decided this is the plan and the fallowing steps;
A) get a loan to pay off Columbia
B) get transcripts
C) fill out Financial Aid
D) get into App State
E) save up (hella cheaper)
F) go back to where I belong
Yes that's my plan. Live with Rue while at App and save up a bit, get my General Education (math, english, etc) done there, and transfer back to Columbia and drag Rue kicking and screaming back to Chicago with me.

Done

What. A. Day.

So I woke up to the beautiful site of Rue asleep this morning and that was quiet nice if I do say so myself. I really enjoy looking at him, tee-hee. I scrumbled around trying not to be depressed but I just was...blue today. I tried to shake it, did everything but still...
After some transportation difficulty (I need my fucking licence and a GD car!!)Rue drove me down to Pineville to hang out with Lynsey (who leaves back for VA monday) and a bunch of friends. The really...REALLY liked him. Everyone was all "Dang! He's hot!" I know, shoot... Anyway, we go and eat at Buca's and it was awesome. If you've never experianced it, please find the nearest one and go...now! Well after you finish reading, but it's great; big portions and good atmosphere...the whole italian experiance. Then we went bowling, and I'm hella poor so I didn't get to play really. But anyway, all that awesomeness, good people and good food, still didnt cheer me up. I don't know what it is but I hope I snap out of it soon.
:(

Independant? Really...

Okay so Rue got his heart monitor on Thursaday and really the whole 4th weekend was spent with him. Twas boring but interesting. I've learned things, can't really pin-poit what leasons were learned but I see people differently. Anyway the electricity in my house was off, again, it sucks when your main provider is bad with budgets and such. But whatever...it's back on now. And I have my Rue with me tonight, again, so I'm happier than I'd normally be. Now, I'm not typing anymore because SOMEONE keeps looking over shoulder...I'll write more later.

p.s.
check out Stephenie Meyer.
stepheniemeyer.com