She Says the Things She Thinks

And it's done

2008-09-06T02:51:00.000-07:00

I've been very depressed lately. And as of yesterday, almost everything fell apart in front of me. Josh and I broke up...more like he with me. He didn't feel enough for me the way I felt for him. And just wanted to be friends...everytime I think of it even my heart physically aches. I can literally feel my chest caving and aching and just constant pain because I feel empty and worthless. Not just because Josh is everything I wanted and dreamed and ended up not connecting with him. But because I have nothing; I don't have a strong tie to my family, no friends, no hobbies, no one for me to care for...I am ugly and untalented. I'm judgemental and hypocritical. I cant afford the things I want, like an education and to travel, I can't find work, I cant do anything and I won't be able to for a very very long time.
I've thought about ending it, just going on since there isn't anything left for me, and the pro's are starting to outweigh the con's. Why are we here? Why am I here? All I wanted to do in life was be remembered and to impact someone else for the better. And I can't think of one person...

BREAKING DAWN

2008-08-01T00:10:00.000-07:00

Less than 21hours will the last book in the twilight series be in my hands, I'm sweating with anticipation...or maybe its just how hot my room is. Just so everyone is clear, I won't talk to anyone starting when i get the book to when I finish the book, I will not eat without it, sleeping is forbidden, toilet will be with book in hands, I will be completely cut off from everything until I finish all 769 pages.

UU Church shooting

2008-07-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

In Knoxville, TN a man shot up a Unitarian church...and his reason? Because he was unemployed and didn't like their liberal views. As a Unitarian, hearing the attrocity that happened turned my to tears. It's horrible that people who are fighting for equality in all and the common good and ethics are the targets for such hate. Living in North Carolina and in the bible belt had made me realize that the people here only care about the old hateful ways; blacks should be slaves, gays go to hell, women are evil and they are lesser than men. If Jesus wanted so much hate in the workld then he wouldn't have got up on the cross and died for such horrible people. I guess its a misunderstanding to the fullest. Jesus didn't reject anyone, he didn't HATE anyone, didn't want anyone of his brothers and sisters dead. Yet people like this man think they are in the right.
Now I don't wish pain on anyone but that man should suffer for what he's done. Here are some of the sites I visited and feel you should go check out as well:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=GPY2iAE1sho <-- sxephil is one of my favs
http://www.abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=news/national_world&id=6291206
http://www.govcentral.com/news/2261-man-shoots-church-goers-over-liberal-views-
http://www.uua.org/news/newssubmissions/117156.shtml

Uggh!

2008-07-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

I am sick. Oh so sick, I feel like shit right now. My sinuses (which are deformed, need reconstructive surgery soon) keep draining which effects my throat making it all hoarse and rough, and pollutes my poor ol' tummy. I keep tossing up NOTHING because I cant keep anything down. It's been going on since Wednesday. I think it might have came from someone at Warped tour. A bizzilion people piled on top of you, sweating into your pours and getting down right dirty with you. Yeah...more than likely that.
Mom went to Detroit this weekend (the brothers and I begged not to go so we were able to stay, hells yes) She is sposta be back by now but isn't (gets lost easily.) So I hung out with Rue all weekend. He's such a hottie, haha! We didn't do much. I just got more sick than I was before (white people like it colder in their houses than black people do, just FYI)
I got my nose pierced with my BFF Aly on Friday! Haha, she bled all over! It was crazy how anemic she was. Not funny but is...I still haven't told mom yet. Ha, she just pulled in. Well, time to face the music. TTYL

Just an update

2008-07-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

So things have been crazy. I'll go by subject matter because my mind can be a bit everywhere at times.

Love life: Rue got his heart monitor last Thursday from the cardiologist and had to have it on for 72hrs (I think). It frustrated him because of him not being able to take a shower and itching constantly. The results came back today and he doesn't have any electrical problems or anything, which is awesome. I was really worried, now all we have to do is find out if it's Hypoglycemia or stress. Both are way better than if it was JUST his heart fucking up.
We are trying...TRYING to not get overtly sexual (it can confuse emotions and create problems, we both know this from past relationships) I'm glad that we established this rule in the beginning of it all because then I know it wasn't only about sex if by chance something goes wrong. But it has become increasingly difficult. I mean he's DAMN hot for one thing and I am falling for him...I know it is early in the relationship to be saying that but in all honesty it's what I feel and I'm not ashamed to fall so easily for such a perfect person (at least for me). Anyway...so I'm having trouble being a 'good-girl' when I want to be just oh sooo bad!
We were talking and we're going to save up, once I get a job, and move to Boone together. I'll go to App State for my gen-eds and stuff once I pay off Columbia(that will come up later). We've been looking at places and it can work so I'm excited.

Family pt1:Mom and the boys have been getting on my last nerves. The boys don't do shit for one, and I get blamed for the house looking like hell ran through it and left. And mom has been flipping and floppin all over the place. I guess menopause is the cause but seriously. I'll come home and Jordan will have her angry over something retarded like a cup left on the banister and then she'll flip out on ME! Yeah, and I'm like "uhh dude you need to calm down before you give yourself hypertension" haha.
But here was the kicker, I had told her a few weeks ago that Rue had to move back with his bro, pops, and cus and its kinda crowded. Misunderstanding she said that he can stay over here some nights since its close to his job and it wont be as crowded and the situation will be less crazy. I explained to her that its not as crazy as she was taking it and she blanked on me! (to "Blank on" someone is to flip out, for all you non-hip folk). She says that she thought about it and thinks its disrespectful for us to be ASLEEP in the same house as our parents. She wont let me stay with him now...which super sucks because he's at work in the day and lives like an hour away from me so drives everywhere and only can stay with me for a few hours because he has to go home ans sleep, and weekends suck because we are used to staying with one another 24/7. I'm having withdrawals and mom isn't helping so Ive decided to move out ASAP.

Family pt2:Dad is in town for the weekend. He met Rue so that was cool. We (dad, Aaron[bro], and I) and walked around a bit. It was horrible, drunk people listening to the bad music being played by this suckass old wannabe 80s hair metal band at some radio event. Nothing but skinny blond bimbo bitches walking around. I hate them...they all looked the same.
There is a wedding Im going to on Saturday (Dad's cousin) who I don't even know but apparently should meet because he too lives in Charlotte. I'd be hella pissed if it was my wedding. I only want a limited number of people there.

College/money:Sooo Ive been working hard on the whole College-Nila-Being-Dead-Broke ordeal and came up with a plan. After doing some research, what App State is getting its accreditation from and Columbia, then seeing if the credits would transfer, how much it'd all be, etc. etc...and finding out that I cant get my transcripts from Colum until I pay the full $10k, and finding out I cant go to App unless I have said transcripts...I've decided this is the plan and the fallowing steps;
A) get a loan to pay off Columbia
B) get transcripts
C) fill out Financial Aid
D) get into App State
E) save up (hella cheaper)
F) go back to where I belong
Yes that's my plan. Live with Rue while at App and save up a bit, get my General Education (math, english, etc) done there, and transfer back to Columbia and drag Rue kicking and screaming back to Chicago with me.

Done

What. A. Day.

2008-07-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

So I woke up to the beautiful site of Rue asleep this morning and that was quiet nice if I do say so myself. I really enjoy looking at him, tee-hee. I scrumbled around trying not to be depressed but I just was...blue today. I tried to shake it, did everything but still...
After some transportation difficulty (I need my fucking licence and a GD car!!)Rue drove me down to Pineville to hang out with Lynsey (who leaves back for VA monday) and a bunch of friends. The really...REALLY liked him. Everyone was all "Dang! He's hot!" I know, shoot... Anyway, we go and eat at Buca's and it was awesome. If you've never experianced it, please find the nearest one and go...now! Well after you finish reading, but it's great; big portions and good atmosphere...the whole italian experiance. Then we went bowling, and I'm hella poor so I didn't get to play really. But anyway, all that awesomeness, good people and good food, still didnt cheer me up. I don't know what it is but I hope I snap out of it soon.
:(

Independant? Really...

2008-07-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

Okay so Rue got his heart monitor on Thursaday and really the whole 4th weekend was spent with him. Twas boring but interesting. I've learned things, can't really pin-poit what leasons were learned but I see people differently. Anyway the electricity in my house was off, again, it sucks when your main provider is bad with budgets and such. But whatever...it's back on now. And I have my Rue with me tonight, again, so I'm happier than I'd normally be. Now, I'm not typing anymore because SOMEONE keeps looking over shoulder...I'll write more later.

p.s.
check out Stephenie Meyer.
stepheniemeyer.com

Grumbly pt2

2008-06-25T15:15:00.000-07:00

So I'm laying here again, cuz yeah that's what I o when I'm hella bored, and my stomach keeps fucking screaming at me. I don't think I've ever been this hungry in my life. Like seriously, I could eat almost anything right now. I had a dream that Rueben had brought me pancakes and eggs and bacon and when I woke up I had to convince myself it was faken-bacon and tofu scramble.
I desperately NEED a job, like a diabetic needs his insulin. Because I hate where ever I go I need someone to buy me food. I swear I owe Aly like $90, and Rue's tab is growing pretty fast too. All that we really have in the house is oatmeal. And yes yes, oatmeal is good but seriously I have been eating the stuff for almost two weeks straight. If you checked my blood I'm sure it would be Maple Spice O Negative. Maybe that's why the doctor found protine in my urine last time I was there. I have no clue what this may mean but ummmm yeah. Anyway, I could go for some veg lasangia...or a stir-fry with bbq tofu. Damn I'm hungry, I'm going to ttyl I guess. If Rue doesn't come over I'll post a new blog tonight.

Yes, I'm a Twi-hard, Twilighter, Cullen Advocate!!

2008-06-24T23:03:00.000-07:00

Grumbly

2008-06-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

My tummy is killing me. Im laying in my bed (probably need to turn one of my lights off) waiting for an episode of Weeds to load on my computer. I talked to Josh today, he's sad. Which, of course in turn, makes me sad. He just wants people happy, the sweetest guy in the world, he says that his dad has been struggling all his life and he wishes he could help. Not only him but is brothers and cousin also. He cares so much for them. Rueben (Josh) has a heart problem that none of the doctors can figure out. He has an appointment with a cardiologist but that will not be for another month. It sucks, we almost got in a car crash because of it and yet nobody can help. It seems to be getting worse too, his legs and arms went numb last time. It scares me so much, I hate it. He deserves to live better and without fear. He eats super healthy (GO VEG!!) and is active. He should be the most healthiest person alive.
I worry about him, 24/7. Anxiety strikes every night now, and they are getting worse. I'm also an insomniac so you will find a lot of my blogs coming out at 2, 3, 4 in the morning. I freak out and cry for no reason. It's the most aggravating thing. Like this past weekend when Rue and I were in Boone laying down trying to sleep I roll over because suddenly I cant breath. Then I cant get my mind off of death and I freak and start crying, and of course Rue trys to take care of me and calm me down but I start thinking of him and if he died and it scared the shit out of me. It happens a lot now. I dont know but I think I should see someone.
I may be going to Chicago for a visit. I miss it soooo much there, its my favorite place. I'm pretty excited about the trip because Rueben is coming too and I think he will enjoy it. He hates the city but there is just something about Chi-town that is just the cherry on the vegan rice cream sunday.

She Works Hard for the MONEY

2008-06-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

So I awaken to a stiflingly hot room. Its dark but still feels like the 3rd circle of hell. Turns out it was because my mother turned on the heat before she left. I roll over to the side and my tummy grumbles at it's awakening, hunger strikes again. But oh wait, nope. We are too poor to even have anything to eat in the house. I'm tired of being hungry all the time. I need a job, I'm online printing out applications and everything, making sure I don't miss any loose ends. It sucks because A)I don't have a car B)I don't have a licence and C)I live in a not-so-grand-to-walk-in neighborhood. So I start thinking "Hmmm, Nila what do you live near?"
Walmart, Hell to the no; Starbucks, YECK YES!; Gamestop, hmm maybe; Sally's, Hmm sounds okay. The airport! I can't walk there but at least there is a shuttle that can take people there...or my mom. Ha! So I go and check out Charlotte-Douglas Airport. They actually have many openings. Excitement. I'm tired of sitting on my ass everyday doing nothing. Especially since being with Josh, he needs health insurance and can't get to work sometimes because of his achy-breaky heart. I need to work so I can get the fuck out of this shithole cell. North Carolina is like a portal...or better yet, a limbo. Once you get there it sucks you further into the suckness and tries to trap you in, keep you here. I got out once I can do it again!

I do this a lot

2008-06-23T23:14:00.000-07:00

I create new blogs after losing the passwords. Hah, I know it's super pathetic. But what can you do? Anyway, this may be good. Starting with a new me, a new love, and a new blog. I came to the conclusion that I am disgustingly indecisive. So I'm starting a new by taking better control of the wheel. My life is mine after all, right? Yet I've been a backseat passenger. That's right, not even shotgun! Anyway, I will do what I feel is right for Nila. I can only think about what will make me happy after all. I thought that the best way to express this would be to create a sort of...alternative personality. Well a new name, Alice Silver-Honey. Yes, you may address me as Alice, I prefer it. Plus most people can't pronounce Nila.
I have a new boyfriend as of the 11th and it's moving along at an incredible speed. I don't know what it is but I feel so extraordinarily comfortable around Rueben Joshua. It's like he's in my head, we have been finishing each others sentences, calling at the same times...really weird things.
We were in Boone, NC this past weekend (as well as the weekend before and will be this upcoming weekend) and it was amazing. One it was seriously raining and the mountains were extraordinarily beautiful. But not as beautiful as him. His eyes are as blue as the clear sky, they're this large round Greek eyes, like the way pictures of Alexander the Great's are. His beard is growing back which makes his chin close up look like a little red forest, his nose being the tallest peak of the land! Rue is the most incredible and compassionate creature I know. Bad things always happen to unbelievably good people though...

Add Rueben's music myspace: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=89033639&MyToken=47279cab-aaec-4162-b59e-ee462a60cc4f